Monday, June 11 2018
When I signed on for the book project centered on forgiveness, I truly thought it would be easy. I don’t hold grudges or hold on to unforgiveness. So I thought.
What I discovered was quite different.
The depths I had buried unforgiveness towards myself was unearthed and laid bare.
Not dealing with it wasn’t forgiveness.
Not talking about wasn’t forgiveness.
Burying down deep to hide it and forget, wasn’t forgiveness either.
I knew what I wanted to write but it was not coming together. I wanted a piece full of kumbaya and good feelings. What I received was a strong word with clear instruction of what I was to write. I played it over in my mind for several days. Trying to figure out what it would look like and how I should do it. How transparent I really needed to be. I asked, “Do I really have to do this, say this, share this?!” Silence. The deafening kind! Then I realized I was trying to put my own spin on what He said. I was uncomfortable with the truth laid bare. I was more worried about what everyone would think than the glory He would receive because of His transforming work within me.
A few hours later and with many tears shed, I finished what I was told to write. I didn’t even read it. I just sent it to my publisher and waited. I also had to share it with my husband. It isn’t just my story to tell, it’s his also. It was written from my perspective but it involves both of us deeply.
It became clear the work God had been doing in me over the past few months was all for this assignment. It was time, He wanted a complete healing of the old wound. I had discovered how much I had buried about my past. How much I held on to and the depth of unforgiveness I had towards myself which spilled over onto my husband and infected every area of my life.
I had to come face to face with this question, “Is the work Jesus did on the cross enough for me, for my sin?”. By holding on to unforgiveness, saying “I can never forgive myself”, I was telling Him it’s not, try again, do more for me, and refusing His sacrifice. I am making little of the cross. Ouch! I was given a picture in my mind. Jesus on the cross, looking right at me and saying “Kate, I did this for you”. The choice to receive, however, is up to me.
Unforgiveness is a prison. By forgiving myself, the chains came off and the door opened. I being once a prisoner am now set free.
Matt 6:14-15 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you don’t forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Forgiveness begins with you. If you forgive yourself of your trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
Luke 7: 36-50